Outside Half

Outside Half:

Ah, the outside half. Surely God’s most talented creation, and I say this for two main reasons:
Firstly I would take a rough guess that 75% of Six Nations Man of the Match Awards go to the outside half. Dan Parks took 20% of the total MOM awards this season, and this inspite of the fact that the Scottish backrow were glorious, their lineout almost impenetrable and the crucial fact that in two of the games Scotland didn’t even win. Now don’t get me wrong, the man played well, but just because he has the 10 on his back does it mean that he is always the stand out player? According to the BBC yes! I’d love to see how many MOM awards Wilkinson, O’Gara and Jones have had, compared with all of the forwards combined. So, in conclusion, the Outside Half MUST be the greatest player in the team, and amongst a select group of the finest humans alive, because the BBC tell us so! Infact, I think that all future Prime Ministers and Presidents of rugby playing nations should have played outside half, because they must be the best equipped people!
Secondly, and probably more importantly when trying to prove the talents of a 10, outside half was the only position in the back line that my rugby coach never played me, so maybe there is some truth in the thinking after all!!!!

Now for my dream team of cult heroes, I need to pick someone with the right character to fit in. Skills are not as important for a cult hero, they just need to have something about them that makes you love them, even though they drive you to the edge of despair. I narrowed it down to a final three and here they are:
Martyn Kimber (Gloucester)- About 8000 people can honestly say, in the finest traditions of Boyce the voice “I was there.” Where was there??? There was Kingsholm , on a bright old day towards the end of the season. The visitors were the unkempt hordes of blue and white from The Mem, so passions were running high. As was the tradition at the time, Gloucester were well and truly in the mire relegation wise, but were leading the game by not much, as local pride dictated the usual frenzied game. Kimber had slotted a drop goal and had kicked well tactically but the moment that was to leave his mark on my mind for ever was about to happen. Bris had the ball and were attacking infront of the old grandstand and, for some reason that I can’t now remember, Gloucester’s fullback was not in position. Bristol created a gap and sent a rather large centre or winger into it and he hurtled away off up the touchline. Our man was the only person left who could stop the try and inevitable defeat. Now, for those of you who never had the pleasure of watching him play, Martyn Kimber was not an aggressive man, and was schooled in the Barry John method of defence ie get the hell away from any possible contact as quickly as possible!!! I actually remember an audible groan of despair as the majority of the crowd realised who stood in defence of our city’s honour, but (and I swear this is true) in an attempt to make the game saving tackle, using a technique that can only be described as unorthodox, Kimber tried to do what looked like a bear hug from the back of the perplexed Bristol runner. The Bristol man actually ran on for about 5 metres with Kimber literally taking a piggy back, before the extra weight dragged him into touch. Game won, local honour upheld and a great memory for me. Martyn Kimber was a good kicker of a rugby ball, and had a decent tactical brain and was a regular for Gloucester for at least three seasons. He was extraordinarily consistent with drop goals, rarely missing, but the reason why he will always be a cult hero to me is because once, he made a tackle!

Now, my second nomination shouldn’t really be here because he played international rugby and so therefore should be out of the reckoning by my own rules. My mate Kev would never forgive me if I didn’t put him in the top 3 cult outside halves, so here he is with an honourable mention, but with no chance of making the final XV:
Eric Elwood (Galwegians, Connacht and Ireland) – If you watched the 5 nations between 1993 and 1995 it’s hard not to imagine Bill McClaren or Starmer-Smith uttering the phrase “Elwood......The Garryowen.” Here was a man that had perfected the steepling up and under to such an effect that the ball rarely did anything other than fly up high into the Dublin sky. So, you might say, here was a man that was good at what he did and got rewarded with a host of caps for his country, why the heck is he in your list?? Well, the beauty of Eric Elwood was his ability to make you cry and laugh in equal measure and the fact that there is undeniably one moment in his career where everything turned pear like in appearance. His Irish debut was at the Arms Park, and saw me confidently predicting a home win. My confidence was soon through the roof when Ieuan Evans scored a try after 0.3 seconds and Wales were on their way. Elwood then proceeded to give what I remember as an absolute masterclass in game management and goal kicking to lead Ireland to victory and me to tears. My dad, less emotional but more angry than me, saw this as less down to Eric and more down to the pathetic Welsh team at the time (I’m sure he honestly felt a burden of guilt for bringing me into the world and having me grow up at just about the only time in the history of the game where Wales were totally pants.) Elwood then helped the Irish destroy England in Dublin and then win at Twickenham the next season. Everyone remembers Simon Geoghegan’s try, but few remember the clever little disguised pass by Elwood, and fewer still remember the touchline conversion that was so crucial in the eventual 1 point Irish win. Then, in the gales by the Liffey, Wales found themselves leading by 2 with little time left when some bonehead gave away a penalty. Elwood, from basically bang infront sliced it wide and Wales were on their way to the Championship. That is why Eric Elwood is a cult hero, because he has the ‘so close, but yet so far moment’ that we have all had. That moment where if things had gone differently who knows?..For me, if I hadn’t had an absolute stinker in a trial match I could have made it! For Eric, if he’d kicked that simple penalty, who knows??... He could have been outside half for the Lions, he could have 1000 points for Ireland. You see, me and Eric Elwood, we’re like that...We’ve shared each others pain, and that’s why he’s a hero to me!

So that leaves me with one more outside half to get into my top 3. Honourable mentions go to Mark Tainton of Bristol, Carl Arntzen of Moseley, Dave Johnson of Newcastle Gosforth and the little short lad from Swansea called Aled something, but they don’t make it because I remember one guy playing so well in the only 80 minutes that I ever saw him play, that for two years I still expected him to be eventually named in the England team.( I soon learnt of course, that to play outside half for England in the late 80’s and early 90’s you had to a) look like a pre pubescent choirboy, b) be able to come off the pitch without getting your kit remotely dirty, c) kick, kick and kick again and d) be called Robert. Ask Stuart Barnes he’ll tell you it’s true)
Ian Aitchison – Waterloo. The game was a Pilkington Cup Quarter Final and Gloucester’s heavy weathered pack and the apparent whipping boys from Waterloo took to the field to witness Ian Aitchison pull every string there was to be pulled. In my memory Waterloo played a breathtaking style of rugby and Aitchison was completely untouchable. Good passing, several darting breaks and impeccable goal kicking. Crucially though, (and I accept that my memory may be doing him a massive disservice here) he was a short arse with a moustache and that is what I want from my outside half, a short cocky moustachioed man making people look foolish. The best thing about Ian Aitchison was though, that here was a man at the top of his game, clearly the best player on the pitch and deservedly orchestrating his team towards a fairly big cup upset. Then Tim Smith scored and converted a try in injury time, Gloucester scraped through and I never saw Ian Aitchison play again. That’s why he is my cult hero fly half, if he’d played as well as he did on that day, but for Quins or Wasps he would have been in the international reckoning. Unfortunately though he didn’t, he played for Waterloo. Just another in the long line of players for whom geography and a less than fashionable club scuppered their international chances. The beauty of these players is that the lack of recognition is often due to something completely beyond their control. If Tim Smith hadn’t scored that try, Aitchison might have had a blinder in the semi-final, got to play at Twickenham and won the cup for Waterloo. I know one thing that’s definitely true though, if Tim Smith hadn’t scored that last minute try I wouldn’t have gone home crying after another robbing from the evildoers in blue, black and white.

Fullbacks

Fullback

Part of the reason that I loved rugby when I was growing up was the fact that I idolised people who my football loving chums had never heard of, and players who, with all due respect, in everyday life you would actually cross the street to avoid if you happened to be heading towards them. I would regularly inform all who would listen that certain players were far better than the international players at the time, based on one 80 minute viewing. Looking back now, I realise that this was because a wet day in Gloucester wasn’t top of the to do list for most members of the England team at the time.......So here it is, my ultimate international team of players that no-one rated or possibly a team that no one has ever even heard of.....I’ll take a lot of convincing that my childhood rugby eye was wrong:

Fullback – What do you need from a full back? Good boot, solid under the high ball, great running??... The England selectors looked purely for a good boot, and constantly chose Surgeon Webb or his clone Simon Hodgkinson from Nottingham. Both were damn good kickers of a rugby ball, but neither possessed the crucial ability to scare the bejesus out of anyone under the age of 12 just by running onto the pitch. All of the late 80’s early 90’s English fullbacks looked like they cared too much about the neatness of their hair. Do you really want to rely on a man without a single misplaced hair on his head? Does that give you the confidence that he is going to lay his body on the line for the cause? Of course not. What you need in a full back is a man who a good shoeing could possibly improve the look of. A man who looks like he has already played three games, and had three after match celebrations, before the game has kicked off. A man who you know will not be worrying about getting his shirt dirty as a towering Garryowen is heading his way, because he’s not happy unless he is covered in blood and mud.

So here it is, my first sweeping statement from my childhood, that I maintain to this day is true. England would have won the 1991 World Cup if Simon Langford was playing at fullback. Langford was an absolute rock who looked like he’d gone 12 rounds with Tyson, and then rang up Larry Holmes for a bit of an extra workout. Langford was unfailing defensively, with a seriously good boot, (he was the first player I saw successfully boot a penalty from inside his own half), but more crucially he would have scared the crap out of Campo and his chums just by looking at them.

I saw him play three or four times in a seriously decent Orrell team and I just loved the guy. At this time it was rare for me to be impressed by anyone who didn’t wear cherry and white (To show how true this was, I actually remember saying to my dad, whilst watching John Kirwan skin someone; “Yeah, but Derrick Morgan can do that too!”) but Langford just had something that appealed to me. I have always loved the underdog, and he just looked like he shouldn’t be anywhere near a rugby pitch, so when he nailed a booming three pointer early on in one game I was converted, and that was the beauty of the man. He looked like a guy who had come to watch the game and somehow ended up on the pitch, but he was a fine rugby player; Rock solid in defence, dangerous with the ball in hand and a truly gifted goal kicker.

Crucially though (and why England would have won the World Cup in 91 with him in the team) when Will Carling said “Do you know what lads, we’re going to run everything at them today.” Simon Langford would have stood up, slapped Carling in the face and said “Don’t be so bloody stupid man!” England would have kept the ball in the forwards and in the 79th minute, Langford would have slotted a 45 metre penalty to win the game. Could you ever see Webb or Hodgkinson doing that?? Thought not.

So there we have it fullback in my own personal dream team:
Simon Langford – Orrell (and disgracefully never England)

Any other opinions gladly welcomed!